There are many reasons to believe that I won’t survive the zombie apocalypse, or any apocalyptic situation for that matter. So many reasons, in fact, that I’ve decided to break it down into a series of posts.
It’s not that I have an impending sense of doom. Surprisingly, I’m more of an optimist than most. And, there are many ways in which I’m exactly who who want on your Z-Team. I am educated and have a jack-of-all trades background. I think outside the box, know how to improvise, and am a pretty damn good shot. I plan on practicing with the weapons we have stashed, with greater frequency this year; there’s no sense having something if you’ve no idea how to use it. But for the sake of this post, let’s focus on the reasons why I probably won’t survive.
The inhaler stigma.
Those who know me are probably expecting me to jump right to the obvious: lung disease. I imagine it would be difficult to bring a CF patient along while you are on the run from the undead. Albuterol inhalers would be hard to find. And my cough would give up our hiding spot every time. But, honestly, I don’t think the lungs would be as big an issue. Save for the fact that having an illness ‘labels’ me, weak lungs shouldn’t be a problem. There are cigarette smokers whose lungs are in equal, if not worse, condition than mine are. And they’ll survive. For some reason, though, there is the inhaler stigma. Trouble breathing? You’re gonna die!
On a recent episode of AMC’s The Walking Dead, the Governor was recruiting the people of Woodbury to form a militia, intent on destroying Rick and Team Prison. He comes upon one adolescent, and Andrea (who is obviously against this entire campaign) tries to protect the boy by pointing out the fact that the kid has asthma. Aw…heart strings tugged? Nope. The Governor just grins and promises the kid that he’ll learn to shoot from the best. I’m not a fan of the Governor, but right on, man! Hershel–a one-legged senior citizen, is over at the prison kicking…er…hopping ass and taking names. Just because a kid may or may not potentially have an asthma attack, we should exclude him from participating with the rest of the group and deny him the chance to learn to protect himself? Bad call, Andrea. In an apocalyptic situation, you cannot afford to pander to things like health issues, unless the person’s individual condition is dire. It’s circumstantial. “Every able bodied man, woman, and child” is a phrase used time and again throughout history (fiction and non-fiction) to prepare for battle. The Governor is not without heart; he did excuse the little old woman with the arthritis-ridden Parkinson’s hands. Though, he did tell her he would find a job more suitable to her abilities than wielding a machine gun. Well played, sir. But that asthma kid? Should I be concerned? Was that scene intended to make me worry or care, or to make me despise the Governor even more? Whatever. The kid has problems in his chest. Guess what? So do I.
And speaking of chests…
While my lungs would undoubtedly cause issues, I do not think that they would prevent me from surviving. Yes, it would do me a world of good to improve my current cardiopulmonary state. I need to get myself conditioned to where I can walk for long periods of time without my heart rate skyrocketing and my lungs caving in. Short sprints and the ability to jog would be useful, as well. Taking universal precautions and using common sense to try and prevent lung infection would be a must, not just for me but for the entire Z-Team. As for the cough? Well, we’ll just deal with that as situations arise. The bigger concern I have about my chest isn’t my lungs; it’s my boobs.
I don’t want to brag or anything, but they’re pretty nice. There’s a definite reason for me to be worried here. Chicks with big boobs don’t survive. This is a fact scientifically proven. Okay, maybe not, but it should be. Historically, well-endowed females do not make it to the end of the story. It has to be the ones who can get away with wearing a tank top with no bra. And I’m not just talking about zombie apocalypse movies. I mean all movies. Typically, the girls with the bigger boobs die sooner than the girls with a B-cup or smaller.
Ripley from the Alien movies? Small tits.
Sara Connor from the Terminator movies? Small tits.
Kate & Sun from Lost? Small tits. (Sorry, Claire)
A notable exception to my life-long observation has been Season 3 of the Walking Dead. Lori (small tits) died, while Andrea (big tits) is still alive. While this may break from my boob affiliated canon, please consider the nature of the characters in question. Lori, though less-endowed, should have survived, except she was a selfish siren who made poor decisions and could never be the heroine of the story. Dead. Andrea, who is well-endowed thus, as a rule, should be dead, is still in existence, also making poor decisions. And, unfortunately, her voluptuous size paired with the fact that she happens to be blonde, has meant that those poor decisions have been written with bimbo proportions. And they show her practically naked often. Lori, not so much because she had small boobs. So, yes, Walking Dead bent the boob rule with those two, but at the cost of their integrity.
I would like to maintain my status as a fairly decent character. I like to think I’m a good person. But, come on…”You try running with boobs!” is a direct quote from the book I’ve been writing. I know I’m not alone in the need to cup the twins whilst running or jumping. Ladies…you’ve stocked your bugout bags with the essentials…don’t overlook the need for a good sports bra!
In the end, I don’t think my lung function or weapons skills will have any bearing on my survivability. Unfortunately, the boobs have cursed me to a death in Act I.
Coming up in next week’s Friday Free For All…Scavenging for food and peeing outdoors…more reasons Why I Won’t Survive the Apocalypse 🙂